Seasons. We all go through them. My physical form completed 31 revolutions around the sun in 2019 and the year was off to a good start. But beneath the surface, something didn’t feel right.
I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to prove that I was “somebody,” not realizing that I wasn’t being intentional about who I was becoming. I’m smart and that intelligence has served me well up to this point — but I began using it as a crutch. I hid behind books and philosophy. I hid behind my position as an “authority.” I hid behind psychedelics and fake wisdom. I was hiding behind staying busy with speaking engagements and growing the business.
I was hiding from the fact that I hadn’t processed the pain of my grandmother dying. I was hiding from the fact that I was not satisfied in my career, but didn’t feel like I could stop doing what I was doing, because everything was riding on it. I was hiding from the feeling that I’ve only been living at a fraction of my potential. I was hiding from the truth that my relationship needed serious attention. I was hiding from issues with my family that needed addressing.
The gap between who I was pretending to be and who I was inside created a gulf in my soul wide enough to wear my heart thin trying to cross it. I was weary. I broke down. I went into hiding. It was dark and I was cold. Some days, I prayed for death.
I had to start looking at everything differently and make new decisions. One of the ways I did this was by drawing clear boundaries between what I was going to tolerate, and what I no longer was. I told some people who I’d been pretending to like to fuck off. I straight up ghosted others who just weren’t in line with the standard I needed to be setting for myself. I stopped being stoic and pretending like things didn’t bother me. I started to feel again. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Recently, I’ve been thinking more and more about my attention and how the way I spend it creates my intention. I’m through the tunnel. I can taste the air. The sunlight warms my brow.
I won’t forget this season. 🍂